Wednesday, 3 June 2009

Day Dreaming

Ever since I was a little girl I have been able to lose myself in my imagination. I could stare out of the bedroom window and think things up or stare at the blackboard covered in numbers, and think of more interesting things, like princesses, flowers, horses and magic. As I grew older my day dreams turned into new topics. I was horse crazy during my teens and I would lose myself in the Saddle Club novels my mum used to buy me. I rode every week and looked after a pony for somebody else. Unlike most girls my age I never lied to my parents about where I was going. I couldn't really, I never wore anything but jodphers and riding boots. Every spare minute I had was spent in the stables and while I mucked out the horses I would imagine dad turning up with my own horse. A beautiful black arab that I could take out on long gallops across the fields. Of course it never actually happened. I just dreamt about it when I should have been doing my homework.
As I got older I started to dream about other things. I'd create this little world in my head, my ideal world. I'd do the things I always wanted to do like write and be in charge of my own business instead of working for other people.

Despite making the transition from full time work to full time education, I didn't feel confident. My first year was full of blips as I got accustomed to the system, workload, study and lack of money. I wasn't entirely sure if I'd done the right thing. Yes I was happy I was no longer at work but anyone would be right? Was I really going to get a degree though? Was I capable?

Look at all those times I messed up at school because I was more interested in living than learning. These negative thoughts used to fill my mind whenever I received a low mark or did something wrong. I considered myself lucky to have got accepted straight onto a degree course and set myself the goal of getting a 2:2.

Oh how things change! I have completed my second year now and my grades are constantly improving. Today I went to collect my Creative Writing portfolio was overwhelmed with the results. I had always doubted my ability as a writer. Even though it was what I wanted to do, I'd hear or read other students' work and I'd doubt myself. I concluded that I was rubbish and hid under the desk whenever our tutor asked for volunteers to share their work with the class.

We didn't write much fiction in our first year so the fiction module was going to be interesting. It isn't about scribbling down a story like I used to. Its about drafting, setting a scene, creating a mood and showing the reader things instead of telling them. I realised that I was a lazy writer. Most of my stories relied entirely on dialogue. Perhaps I should have done Script Writing? I did well in the Media module. The course helped me learn much more about narrative and plots etc. Today I found out one of my stories had earnt me 70% and I couldn't believe my eyes!
I'm going to stop doubting myself now. Instead of being so insecure about my work I am going to keep working hard and try and get more grades like this...higher grades even. And to think that in 2007 I was happy with a 2:2!

Something that occurred to me later on this morning; if I can write a short story of such a high standard, then surely that means I could make my dream of being a published writer come true? This along with my ambition to enter the publishing industry would make me so happy and I know now that you can day dream all you like but you have to MAKE these things happen.

I hope the summer doesn't go too slow, not that I like to wish my life away but I can't wait to go back to uni in September.

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