Thursday, 21 May 2009

Questions and Answers

Uni has finished for summer, its good but sad too. I have done nothing but live and breath essays, assignments and lectures since September. My hands never seemed to leave the keyboard and my eyes have been constantly fixed to a book. I have been sleeping under a paper duvet for quite some time and the pile of washing up has just got bigger, much to the annoyance of my flatmates.

Then suddenly, the panic set in and lasted for fourteen days. I had to make a mad dash to the library, go to Asda at 1am for more paper and ink, ignore my friends and work my through an alarming rate of sugar and caffeine to keep me sane. The fourteenth day came round and I went to the top of the building where all the tutors' pigeon holes were waiting. They stand there in that small little room, looming over me, waiting to snatch my essays from my hot hands. I always take a deep anxious breath at this moment, I check, double check and check again that I'm posting my assignment into the correct box. I have never got the wrong box before and I wouldn't know what to do if I did. I would probably panic, cry. I cry when I panic. Got to make sure I never do that. Yes, it was definitly the right one and I dropped it in there, glancing at the name one last time. Phew, its okay, its done. The deadline has been met. Instead of relief I felt a pang of sadness in my heart. What will I do now? What challenges lay before me over the next three months?

Two days later the laziness kicks in. Apart from the 10hrs of work I do at uni, I've nothing else to do. I'll start a story. I'll apply for next year's loans. I'll make more plans regarding my career. I'll eat my body weight in Ben and Jerry's ice cream and make myself feel guilty afterwards.

I feel empty now that uni has finished for Summer. If I feel like this now how will I feel next year? When its over for good. Will I be relieved? Will I be happy? Will I have a job to fall into? Will I get that 2:1? Will I be sad? What is going to happen to me? Will it have been worth giving up a career for? Will the people who frowned at me and refused to support my returning to study be able to say 'I told you so?' or will they be forced to eat their unsupportive words? Will I be able to prove to them that going to uni was a good idea? Will I be successful?

Two weeks have passed since then. I'm okay, I've got the monthly Word Soup event to go to, that always inspires me to write. I've got a dissertation to prepare for, a book club to organise and a holiday in four weeks. I'm lucky, I've got many supportive friends and family members who will keep me entertained all summer long. The uni have extended my part time contract and I have some temping to do. Summer is going to be just fine. As for my graduation? I'll worry about that bridge when I come to it.

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